"Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, 'Wow, look at the size of those hands!'"
~ James Corden
"Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That's one way to get back at your father. 'Dad, we'd like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.'"
~ Jimmy Kimmel
"It's been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer!"
~ Conan O'Brien
Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person.
~ Seth Meyers
There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.
~ Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now.
~ Conan O'Brien
The Scott Baio endorsement of Trump makes sense. Happy Days is set in the 1950s, as are Trump's policies.
~ Frank Conniff
Jimmy Kimmel: Are you familiar with mansplaining?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, yeah, that's when a man explains something to a woman in a patronizing way?
Kimmel: Actually, it's when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending way - but you were close.
Hillary: OK!
Kimmel: Mansplaining is a way that men can help women be better....So just talk and I'll correct you whenever I feel the need.
Hillary: Thank you, it's wonderful to be here--
Kimmel: Hold on one second --
Hillary: Already?
Kimmel: You're shouting - you're too loud. You don't have to shout like that it hurts my ears. It comes off as a little shrill to men, that's all.
Hillary: Shrill. For men.
Kimmel: I mean, you're making a speech, not an arrest, so just tone it down and try it again.
Hillary: OK - I've got it. (softer) Thank you, it's wonderful to be here with all of you.
Kimmel: This is good so far!
Hillary: It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, or who you love, I'm fighting for you--
Kimmel: You have to just speak up because we can't hear you now. You're like a mouse up there. And you know what would be nice - if you smiled, with a little bit, you know, some teeth.
Hillary: OK, all right (smiles) America is the greatest country on--
Kimmel: No, don't smile like that because it looks too forced. It looks like you're faking it. Ask yourself, do I want to be president, or do I want to be a Laker's girl?
Hillary: Is that a real choice?
Kimmel: Yeah, that's a choice. I think so. It's okay though, try it again. Go from wherever, and just be careful with the face.
Hillary: We don't need to be made great, we need to be--
Kimmel: Oh my god with the sourpuss. Try to have some fun! This is like your dream! Pretend you're enjoying yourself!
Hillary: You know, Jimmy, your comments are kind of contradictory.
Kimmel: Yeah.
Hillary: It's like nothing I do is right.
Kimmel: Exactly, you're not doing it right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something -- you're not, you're not a, um--
Hillary: A man?
Kimmel: Yes! That is it - you're not a man! But that was really cute the way you did it, though.
Hillary: Well, thanks, that is what I was going for.
(Tuesday March 15 was a) Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone's most annoying Facebook friends.
~ Jimmy Kimmel
I'd like to thank everyone for voting for me, and to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so so annoying! I mean, I love my supporters, but they're too much, right? I'm great, but I'm not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life!
~ Larry David as Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live
Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What's a superdelegate? Who calls themselves that? It's so cocky! They walk around like they're such bigshots - Oooh, I beg your pardon, Mr. Superdelegate. Let me tell you something - I've met some of these superdelegates. They're not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it. Fake Jake Tapper: But Senator, many people believe you need these superdelegates. Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Not true, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I've got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. Yeah, that's it. The young people love me, Tapper, because I'm like them. I got alot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them. Fake Jake Tapper: You're still struggling with minorities. Why do you think you don't attract them? Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Because I look like someone who at some point told them, 'Hey, get out of my store."
Ben Carson, Trump and Bernie Sanders Skit SNL
Donald and I are like night and day, ebony and orange-y. And sure, we've had our polite disagreements - I question his knowledge on health care, and he called me a psycho and a child-molester.
~ Fake Ben Carson on Saturday Night Live
Even if Donald Trump turns out not to be such a great president, which I don't think is the case, I think he's going to surround himself with really good people. But even if he didn't, we're only looking at four years as opposed to multiple generations, and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.
~ Unintentional joke from the real Dr. Ben Carson, ex-GOP candidate for President
It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”
~ Seth Myers
DICKERSON: You once said that choosing between Trump and Cruz is like the difference between being shot or poisoned. So, how is your health?
GRAHAM: Well, you can -- maybe they will find an antidote to poisoning. It's hard once you're shot to get over it.
~ John Dickerson on CBS Face the Nation and Senator Lindsey Graham, March 20
The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump.
~ Jimmy Fallon
And if Ted Cruz is right, if every single anti-Trump voter unites behind him, he could get enough delegates to be the nominee. Then the GOP establishment can say 'Goodbye, candidate we don't like! Hello, candidate we can't stand!'
~ Stephen Colbert
If Cruz can't do it, there's one other way to deny Trump the nomination: a 'brokered convention.' You see when a candidate wins a primary, he really wins delegates who are committed to him at the party convention. But only for the first ballot. So if Trump doesn't get 1,237 delegates in the first round of voting they're all free to vote for whoever. This is great news: the Republican campaign could start all over again, but this time it's crammed into one week. You can binge-watch the death of the GOP.
~ Stephen Colbert
Reopublicans don't like calling it a 'brokered convention.' They have a much nicer name - ('open convention'). I'm sorry, not 'brokered,' 'open,' Just like, 'Honey, we don't have a broken marriage, we have an open marriage. And I know we never discussed it, but it will spice things up to bring in an outsider. And I think we'll end up trusting each other even more. Stronger.'
~ Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump's famous hairpiece has always been a target of humor, especially since nothing could symbolize The Donald's giant ego and vanity more than his strangely shaggy toupee.
And now as he runs for the Republican nomination for President in the GOP Primary, Trump's hair has become even more famous.
In a special clip from "The Simpsons" cartoon show, Homer takes a walk through Trump's golden locks.
. . . a new clip, which finds Homer J. Simpson trapped in Donald Trump’s “hair,” or, as he calls it, “the ginger forest.” A criminally bald man himself, Homer’s a little jealous of Trump’s glorious(-ly horrifying) comb-over, which he says is both “as blond as a golden marmoset yet also as grey as a long-dead donkey.”
There's also a fun new hashtag called #TrumpYourCat on Instagram and Twitter:
Finally, there is TrumpWeb for Chrome a handy app that "finds any mention of Donald Trump on a website and adds an actual Donald Trump quote to his name."
Luckily, there’s a way to make reading about Donald Trump much, much better. We wrote a custom extension for Google Chrome that adds a ridiculous Donald Trump quote to every online mention of his name.
To be extra-clear: these are all real quotes that Donald Trump actually said, such as:
“Laziness is a trait in blacks.”
“We need global warming.”
“Somebody’s doing the raping”
You can install the extension at the Chrome Web store by clicking here. (Or just download the crx file if you’d prefer to install the extension manually.)
As soon as the extension is installed in your Google Chrome browser, go ahead and click refresh to see it in action. As you’ll see in the examples below, the extension turns reading about Donald Trump from a chore into a delight. (And when you feel like turning it off, you can disable it in the Chrome extensions window.)
A Latin Brewery Is Pulling Beer From One Of Trump’s Restaurants And Renaming It ‘F*ck Your Hair’ http://t.co/foM6Wh0qW9 via @UPROXX
On the 40th Anniversary of NBC's Saturday Night Live, famed comedian Jane Curtin, one of the original "Not Ready for Prime-Time Players," joined Amy Poehler and Tina Fey for "Weekend Update." And she used a one-liner to completely capture what is wrong with Fox News Network.
“Times have changed since I first sat at this desk. For example, I used to be the only pretty blonde woman to read the fake news. Now there’s an entire network devoted to that. And somehow, I showed less cleavage.”
Fox News is famous for (among other things) hiring blonde women who look and dress more like porn stars than journalists.
CBS announced today that Stephen Colbert is going to take over the show Late Night when David Letterman retires next year. This is great news for comedy fans, but bad news for other late-night comedians who lost out including Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, and Chelsea Handler (if you think she's funny, that is). Still, Colbert is what CBS needs to beat Jimmy Fallon of NBC's Tonight Show in the ratings war, and David Letterman had mentioned Colbert last week as a possible successor.
But for Twitter users, what's so satisfying about Colbert going on to a more high-profile job with an even bigger audience is that just a week or so ago a misunderstood joke about a minority group led to a controversial hashtag #CancelColbert. The hashtag caused a twitterstorm for days, and has even been immortalized at Know Your Meme and pages on Storify Here and Here and those are just two of many. (My blog was like Storify before it was cool, LOL)
More background on that below - scroll down.
Today when CBS announced that Colbert would take over Late Night, much Schadenfreude was had by tweeps poking fun at the fact that the hashtag did indeed work - his show on Comedy Central will be cancelled, but not because they tweeted, only because he is getting a plum-job. Oh, and Colbert was never a bigot in the first place but only playing one on TV.
CBS President and CEO Les Moonves said after seriously considering about a dozen candidates, it became obvious that Colbert was the best choice.
“We said, ‘my God, there’s one guy who just stands out to replace David who is original, who’s smart, who’s funny, who fits with who we are, and it was Stephen Colbert,’” Moonves told CBS Radio national correspondent Dan Raviv.
Colbert said he never dreamed he would follow in Letterman’s footsteps.
“I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me,” he said in a statement. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to grind a gap in my front teeth.”
Letterman released this statement: “Stephen has always been a real friend to me. I’m very excited for him, and I’m flattered that CBS chose him. I also happen to know they wanted another guy with glasses.”
What some people have apparently missed over the years is that Colbert isn't himself on Comedy Central, but playing a parody of a Conservative Pundit straight off of Fox News. Chris Hayes referred to it on MSNBC as Colbert's "O'Reilly Act" referring to conservative Bill O'Reilly of Fox. That's why he has sometimes confused the lesser-light Republicans who have been on his show as he seemed to agree with them even while mocking the GOP. But this isn't rocket science, and most people who have a sense of humor got the joke to begin with, even on the Right.
The Colbert character, whose taped descent, godlike, from the empyrean while clutching an American flag begins every show, was originally intended as a takeoff on Fox News figures like Sean Hannity and especially Bill O’Reilly. Though Colbert doesn’t much resemble O’Reilly physically, the persona has mastered some of O’Reilly’s pen-wielding, hand-stabbing gestures, and his credentials as a right-wing blowhard are beyond doubt. He thinks that gays will go to hell, that a flaming moat should be built around America to keep out immigrants and that Christianity is, or ought to be, the official national religion. He believes not in truth but in “truthiness,” a term of his own invention. . . . The Colbert on-screen persona is actually less rigid than it used to be, and Colbert can dial it up or down as he chooses. There is now more of a winking quality to the act, a sense that we’re all in on the joke.
Okay, so that last part has been lost on some self-absorbed people, including Anti-Bigot Suey Park, an Asian-American woman living in Chicago.
Here's that part of the saga, which started as Colbert made a joke about Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder. To make his point, Colbert made a joke about Asian-Americans, using one of the trigger words "Oriental" which can drive many Asian activists right out of their minds (and it worked!)
Stephen Colbert made sport of Washington football team owner Dan Snyder and his plan to undercut criticism of the team name by founding an organization for the uplift of "original Americans." Colbert ran though all the reasons why this was funny, then called back to a skit from one of the show's first episodes, way back from the fall of 2005—a joke about the host being caught on a "live feed" playing a racist Asian stereotype (Ching Chong Ding Dong, from Guanduong), then not understanding why it was racist. Colbert would make amends with his new "Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever."
. . . the official Twitter account of The Colbert Report tweeted a short version of the joke: "I am willing to show #Asian community I care by introducing the Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever." Bad move. This attracted the ire of a 23-year-old freelance writer and hashtag activist named Suey Park, who gained prominence last year with the #NotYourAsianSidekick micromovement.
As he says, Suey Park is a "hashtag activist" so she invented one, and sent the Twitterverse into a frenzy:
The Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals has decided to call for #CancelColbert. Trend it.
— Angry Asian Woman (@suey_park) March 27, 2014
About half of Twitter got behind Suey Park, cheering her on as a hero taking on a bully, and confused people from both the Right and the Left jumped on the Angry Asian train with vitriol directed at Colbert. The Conservatives and Libertarians who use hashtag #tcot jumped on the bandwagon because they hate his biting satire towards the GOP - they get the joke! They twisted Park's hashtag to attack the Left, thanks to Suey Park's overreaction.
If Colbert wasn't a left wing shill liberals would be shouting "racist" from the rooftops. #CancelColbert#tcot
— Polaris (@polaris01usa) March 29, 2014
#CancelColbert PROVES that all #Liberals are hypocrites; if a conservative made that comment, there would be congressional hearings #tcot
— Winston Smith (@WinstonS6079W) March 28, 2014
Suey Park was so naive she allied herself with Queen of Hate Michelle Malkin, also Asian-American but a rabid Fox News contributor who hates every other group on the planet. Malkin was more than happy to help Park lead the charge against Colbert.
Meanwhile, the rest of Twitter
mocked the nonsense of it all:
#CancelColbert - created by people that don't watch Colbert to begin with.
— Anomaly (@Anomaly100) March 28, 2014
Michelle Malkin wrote an entire book defending Japanese internment, but she's mad Colbert used a funny voice to mock racism? #CancelColbert
— YeaYouRite (@YeaYouRite) March 28, 2014
In a recent interview, Colbert stated quite clearly that his role isn’t to prescribe solutions to problems, but instead to mock through exaggeration and caricaturization the people who are responsible for the problems. It’s difficult to think of another performer working in television today who’s been more effective at this task. Now, sure, I concede that the name “Ching-Chong Ding-Dong” is in and of itself offensive. But here’s the thing: it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be shocking in order to underscore how shocking it is, in Colbert’s view (the man’s, not the character’s), that “Redskins” is seriously the name of a professional football team in 2014. In other words, it was a spot-on comment about the shocking offensiveness of the word “redskins.” If his satirical charity wasn’t at all offensive, how could it ever adequately comment upon the offensiveness of “Redskins?”
Suey Park tried to explain that she sees Colbert as "The White Oppressor":
A lot of white America and so-called liberal people of color, along with conservatives, ask, “Do I understand context?” And that’s part of wanting to completely humanize the oppressor.
To see the white man as always reasonable, always pure, always deliberate, always complex and always innocent. And to see the woman of color as literal. Both my intent behind the hashtag and in my [unintelligible] distance, is always about forcing an apology on me for not understanding their context when, in reality, they misunderstood us when they made us a punch line again. So it’s always this logic of how can we understand whiteness better, and that’s never been my politics. I’ve always been about occupying the margins and strengthening the margins and what that means is that, for a long time, whiteness has also occupied the margins. Like, people of color get in circles with no white people in the room and we see that whiteness still operates. So I think it’s kind of a shock for America that whiteness has dominant society already, it also seeps into the margins. What happens the one time when the margins seep into the whiteness and we encroach on their space? It’s like the sky is falling. . . . anything I say as a joke or in all seriousness gets dismissed. I must apologize, I must X, Y, Z. I will get rape and death threats for not thinking Colbert is funny, or for trying to crack my own jokes about race. And I think that’s unfair, cause in the same way he thinks Orientalism is backward and old, but he still uses it to make a point. For every time he does that, it should be more than justifiable for me to actually target the system of structural advantage that is whiteness and to be able to make jokes about white supremacists, which I do all the time in my work. I always paint my white characters to be singular, to be ignorant...
. . . Colbert did when he chose to ruin an opportunity to make a point about racism in America by using more racism. So he’s the one that destroyed an opportunity to shed light on Dan Snyder and the Redskins the moment that he chose to use Orientalism and a foreign accent to make his point. And so, I think in that sense, it’s Colbert that lacks context. It’s Colbert that doesn’t realize how he’s using racism as a vehicle to end racism, which is really just circular logic and doesn’t lead to an end destination of liberation, so I think if you are going to do it, you can’t draw parallels. Orientalism and genocide are actually not relative or comparable in social location.
Fireworks entered the picture when Park found problems with how Zepps was framing the issue of satire and racism: “I feel like it’s incredibly patronizing for you to paint these questions this way, especially as a white man. I don’t expect you to be able to understand what people of color are actually seeing with regard to #CancelColbert. He has a history of making jokes…”
Interrupting a touch, Zepps responded that being a white man doesn’t keep him from “being able to think.”
This wasn’t headed in a good direction. “Well, white men definitely feel like they’re entitled to talk over me,” said Park. “They definitely feel like they’re entitled to kind of minimalize my experiences…”
Zepps: “No one’s minimalizing your experiences, no one’s minimalizing your right to have an opinion,” he said, before amping up the scorn: “It’s just a stupid opinion.”
Park: “You just called my opinion stupid, you just called my opinion stupid. That’s incredibly unproductive. And I don’t think I’m going to enact the labor of explaining to you why it’s incredibly offensive and patronizing.”
In case anyone thought I was censoring Colbert, please know I was just talked down to, muted, and silenced by @joshzepps and @huffpostlive.
— Angry Asian Woman (@suey_park) March 28, 2014
Ahh, the righteousness of professional umbrage-takers. @suey_park wasn't muted or silenced. I invited her to explain herself & she declined.
— Josh Zepps (@joshzepps) March 28, 2014
Now, here's the "Revenge is Sweet" part of the saga that happened today as Colbert was being named the heir apparent to Letterman, and people rushed to point out the irony to Suey Park and other #CancelColbert aficionados in case they didn't get the joke again, LOL:
Maybe on Stephen Colbert's new version of Letterman's Late Show, Suey Park can be the new "Larry Bud Melman".
— psychedelicatessen (@MentalRiot) April 10, 2014
EVERYONE QUICKLY FORM AN OPINION ON COLBERT FOR LATE SHOW AND BEGIN ARGUING ABOUT IT.
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) April 10, 2014
I really hope @suey_park launches a humorless, dimwitted campaign against me. I need a raise, and she's got the Midas touch #CancelColbert
— Kyle (@kylechristo4) April 10, 2014
What a bu!!sh*t rewriting of history. . . . They’re presidents. They’re not King Tut. Why do we have to build a mausoleum?
~ Bill Maher
The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.
~ David Letterman
In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him.
~ Jay Leno
Omission Accomplished
. . . “It looks like a theme park as much as it is a library,” according to Lou Dubose, co-author of “Bushwhacked: Life in George W. Bush’s America.” Dubose points out the library also includes freedom tower, a freedom plaza, a decision points library, the bullhorn Bush used to talk to first responders from ground zero, and even Saddam Hussein’s pistol.
“It’s kind of a parentheses around one of the greatest foreign policy blunders in our country’s history and they’re pretty shameless about it.”
. . . Dubose describes the “triumphalist narrative” on display at the library as “a neo-con rehash of all the terms that were used to lead the country into war.”
“One would expect a little bit of a modesty from a president who has presided over that sort of failure,” he said. “And from a president who’s competing in the bottom ten in terms of presidential rankings that are done by legitimate historians.”
~ Via MSNBC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Obama's Comedy Speech at White House
Correspondent's Dinner
Bush ceremony had vaguely Soviet aura: severe, drummer-lined facade; red army hats; loud chorus: insecure overkill hiding undermining Truth.
— Howard Fineman (@howardfineman) April 25, 2013
Not sure why we need a monument to Bush in Dallas when there's already one in Guantanamo bit.ly/10CAaps
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) April 25, 2013
I wonder if the Bush library is hurricane proof?
— Dave Ryan (@maddogg2463) April 25, 2013
I might wanna visit the Bush library if there was a shoe throwing interactive exhibit.
— sjcarl (@sjcarl) April 26, 2013
All kidding aside, the Bush Library curators aren't doing their job if they don't have "My Pet Goat" under glass.
— Timothy Noah (@TimothyNoah1) April 25, 2013
"The George W. Bush Library" has the same awkward ring to it as "The William Howard Taft Gym".
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 25, 2013
The option here is for Congress to pay its bills," Carney said repeatedly when asked about the prospect of Obama considering the $1 trillion coin approach. "There is no Plan B. There is no backup plan."
Pressed again later for a "yes" or "no" answer, Carney still wouldn't give one.
"I would refer you to Treasury for specifics of this question," he said. "I can tell you the president does not believe that there is a backup plan or a Plan B or an off-ramp. The only option here is for Congress to fulfill ... its responsibility and ensure the United States pays its bills."
The story is that Jay Carney has refused to rule out #MintTheCoin
In a universe of horrible policy ideas---and that's saying something--#MintTheCoin is the worst in a generation. #ridiculous $$
— Joseph Brusuelas (@joebrusuelas) January 9, 2013
i think we should #MintTheCoin just to see Rush Limbaugh's head lift off from his body and shoot into outer space, whizzing light years away
— andrewwww (@aaandrewwww) January 9, 2013
With the Debt Ceiling coming up soon, it
Is time (although some may impugn it)
For coining a halt
To a US default
With a really big monet'ry unit.
A one-trillion coin, it is said,
Could be minted and shipped to the Fed,
In order to pay
What the US of A
Might be forced to renege on instead.
This sizeable denomination
Would be kept out of mass circulation,
The better to sidestep
That such an untried step
Precipitates hyperinflation.
When Republicans finally come round
From running bond issuance aground,
It's back to the Mint
For the Coin, where its stint
Will be wound up with melting it down.
So let's mint The Coin out of platinum!
Though objections there be, we may flatten 'em.
There are ways besides cash
'Round the Debt Ceiling clash,
But there's nothing as clever as that in 'em.
No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving
~ Craig Ferguson
The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who — well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.
~ Craig Ferguson
The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.
~ Jimmy Fallon
People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA — and yet he's behaving like your common congressman.
~ Jay Leno
The whole thing was like innuendo after innuendo, and the whole time I’m like 'dah.' I had her right there talking about how thick a coat of awesome sauce Petraeus is bathed in. The thing never crossed my f***ing mind!
. . . I am the worst journalist in the world. For God's sake, the title of her book was All In. She may as well have called the book What's Got Two Thumbs and Is Banging His Biographer? This guy.
~ Jon Stewart of the Daily Show on his interview with Paula Broadwell earlier this year
He's a Lieutenant Colonel, she's an extremely good-looking woman. She is a marathon runner. She has run Iron-Man Triathlons. So she's running with him and writing his biography. I think the term is propinquity. There was a lot of propinquity going on. (laughs) Who knows? The man's off in a foreign land and he's lonely and here's a good looking lady throwing herself at him. I mean, he's a man.
~ TV Evangelist Pat Robertson on The 700 Club
But it is not the nature of the emails that bothers me as much as their sheer volume. Gen. Allen has one giant bandwidth.
We are talking about 30,000 emails (or 30,000 pages) over a two-year period. If I wrote emails about every sexual encounter I had in my life — with others or alone — I am not sure it would add up to 30,000. Even if I threw in every preteen fantasy, starting with Hayley Mills in “The Parent Trap,” I am not sure it would hit that number.
~ Roger Simon
How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal
. . . the scandal widening every day, “a lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing,” says Carol Foyler, director of the C.I.A.’s public-information office. “This booklet should clear up a lot misunderstandings.”
The booklet includes a “simple, user-friendly checklist” that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal, she says.
“Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F.B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley? Under five thousand pages of e-mails and you’re probably O.K., but anywhere between ten thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you’re involved in some way,” she says.
~ The Borowitz Report
7NEWS sincerely apologizes for a mistake that we aired in our broadcast Monday, a mistake that has gone viral on the internet.
On 7NEWS at 5 p.m., the station reported on ex-CIA director David Petraeus' relationship with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.
Broadwell earned a master's degree at the University of Denver and had given a speech at an alumni event several weeks ago that may have provided insight into the early stages of their relationship.
During the broadcast, 7NEWS showed an image of Broadwell's biography of Petraeus that is called, "All In: The Education of General David Petraeus."
However, when the 7NEWS reporter went on the Internet to get an image of the book cover, the reporter mistakenly grabbed a Photoshopped image that said, "All Up In My Snatch." (View image here.)
"It was a mistake," said KMGH-TV News Director Jeff Harris.
"It was a regrettable and an embarrassing error. We are mortified this appeared during our 5 p.m. news broadcast. The editor pulled the image of the book cover from the Internet without realizing it had been doctored. We sincerely regret the error and have corrected the story to avoid any recurrence of its broadcast. We are following up internally as well to avoid a repeat of this inexcusable oversight," Harris said.
~ The Denver Channel
Great news! Just signed Paula Broadwell to write my biography!Whee!
The Archdiocese of New York’s Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation will host its 67th annual dinner at the opulent (Waldorf Astoria) hotel on Thursday evening. It is named for former New York Gov. Al Smith, the first Catholic nominated, in 1928, as a candidate for president.
The New York Times characterizes the dinner as “a light-hearted pit stop for presidential candidates in the heated final weeks of the campaign.”
Obama Jokes:
OBAMA: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Everyone, please take your seats. Otherwise Clint Eastwood will yell at them.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you to Al and Ann, Your Eminence, Governor, Mrs. Romney, Governor Cuomo, Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Schumer. All of the distinguished guests who are here.
In less than three weeks, voters in states like Ohio, Virginia, and Florida will decide this incredibly important election which begs the question, what are we doing here?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, New Yorkers also have a big choice to make. You have to decide which one of us you want holding up traffic for the next four years.
(LAUGHTER)
Tonight, I am here with a man whose father was a popular governor and who knows what it's like to run a major northeastern state and who could very well be president someday, and I'm hoping it is Andrew Cuomo.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
This is the third time that Governor Romney and I have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well-rested after the nice long nap I had in the first debate.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Although it turns out millions of Americans focused in on the second debate who didn't focus in on the first debate, and I happen to be one of them.
(LAUGHTER)
I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews.
(LAUGHTER)
Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg. This time around, I gave him a stroke.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course, there is a lot of things I learned from that experience. For example, I learned that there are worse things that can happen to you on your anniversary than forgetting to buy a gift.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) So take note, gentlemen. Now, win or lose, this is my last political campaign. So I'm trying to drink it all in. Unfortunately, Mayor Bloomberg will only let me have 16 ounces.
(LAUGHTER)
But that's OK. I'm still making the most of my time in the city. Earlier today, I went shopping at some stores in midtown. I understand Governor Romney went shopping for some stores in midtown.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
And it brought back some great memories because some of you know I went to school here in New York, had a wonderful experience here.
(APPLAUSE)
We used to love walking through Central Park, loved to go to old Yankee Stadium, the house that Ruth built, although he really did not build that.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I hope everybody is aware of that.
It's been four years since I was last at the Al Smith dinner. Will have to admit some things have changed since then. I have heard some people say, Barack, you are not as young as you used to be. Where is that golden smile? Where is that pep in your step? And I say, settle down, Joe, I'm trying to run a Cabinet meeting here.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
He does smile when he says it, though.
(LAUGHTER)
Tomorrow, it's back to campaigning. I visit cities and towns across our great country and I hear the same thing everywhere I go. Honestly, we were hoping to see Michelle.
(LAUGHTER)
And I have to admit, it can be a grind. Sometimes it feels like this race has dragged on forever. But Paul Ryan assured me that we've only been running for two hours and 50 something minutes.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, the economy is on everybody's minds. The unemployment rate is at its lowest level since I took office. I don't have a joke here. I just thought it'd be useful to remind everybody.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
That the employment rate is at the lowest it's been since I took office.
(APPLAUSE)
And we're getting to that time when folks are making up their minds. Just the other day, Honey Boo-Boo endorsed me. So that's a big relief.
(LAUGHTER)
Ultimately, though, tonight is not about the disagreements Governor Romney and I may have. It's what we have in common, beginning with our unusual names. Actually Mitt is his middle name. I wish I could use my middle name.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
And even though we are enjoying ourselves tonight, we are both thinking ahead of our final debate on Monday. I'm hoping that Governor Romney and I will have a chance to answer the question that is on the minds of millions of Americans watching at home. Is this happening again?
(LAUGHTER)
Why aren't they putting on "The Voice "?
On Monday's debate is a little bit different because the topic is foreign policy. Spoiler alert. We got bin Laden.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, world affairs are a challenge for every candidate. After some of you guys remember, after my foreign trip in 2008, I was attacked as a celebrity because I was so popular with our allies overseas. And I have to say I'm impressed with how well Governor Romney has avoided that problem.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
And just so everyone knows in our third debate that we won't spend a whole lot of time interrupting each other. We will also interrupt the moderator just to mix things up.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: Finally, let me say that I have been doing some thinking and I've decided that for our final debate, I'm going to go back to the strategy I used to prepare for the first debate.
I'm just kidding. I'm trying to make Axelrod sweat a little bit. Get him a little nervous.
(LAUGHTER)
OBAMA: In all seriousness, I couldn't be more honored to be here this evening. I'm honored to be with leaders of both the private and public sectors, and particularly the extraordinary work that is done by the Catholic church.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: It is written in scripture that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope. This country has fought through some very tough years together. And while we still have a lot of work ahead, we have come as far as we have mainly because the perseverance and character of ordinary Americans.
And it says something about who we are as a people that in the middle of a contentious election season, opposing candidates can share the same stage. People from both parties can come together.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: They can come together to support a worthy cause. I particularly want to thank Governor Romney for joining me, because I admire him very much as a family man and a loving father. Those are two titles that will always matter more than any political ones.
(APPLAUSE)
OBAMA: So we may have different political perspectives. But I think -- in fact, I'm certain that we share the hope that the next four years will reflect the same decency and the same willingness to come together for a higher purpose that are on display this evening.
May we all, in the words of Al Smith, do our full duty as citizens. God bless you. God bless your families. May God bless the United States of America!
Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Romney Jokes:
MITT ROMNEY (R), PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Your Eminence, Cardinal Dolan, Mr. President, Governor Cuomo, Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Schumer, Al and Ann Smith. Thank you for your invitation. Thank you for your extraordinary warm welcome. Ann and I appreciate your friendship very, very much. Thank you.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Now, Al, you are right, a campaign can require a lot of wardrobe changes. We -- blue jeans in the morning perhaps, a suit for a lunch fundraiser, sport coat for dinner, but it's nice to finally relax and to wear what Ann and I wear around the house.
(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)
I'm glad to be able to join in this venerable tradition. Of course, I'm pleased that the president is here. We were chatting pleasantly this evening as if Tuesday night never happened.
(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)
And I credit that, of course, to the cardinal. He has -- it's taken New York's highest spiritual authority to get us back on our best behavior. I was actually hoping the president would bring Joe Biden along this evening because he'll laugh at anything.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, this isn't a night for serious politics. And it was especially nice to see President Obama and Cardinal Dolan sharing the dais despite their differences. I'm sure the cardinal has no hard feelings and we might get an indication of that during dinner to see if the president's wine turns into water.
(LAUGHTER)
Or for that matter, whether my water turns into wine.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm pleased to once again have the chance to see Governor Cuomo, who is already being talked about for a higher office. A very impressive fellow but he may be getting a little ahead of himself. I mean, let me get this straight. The man has put in one term as a governor, he has a father who happened to be a governor, and he thinks that's enough to run for president.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, we're down to the final months of the president's term. As presidents --
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
As President Obama surveys the Waldorf banquet room with everyone in white tie and finery, you have to wonder what he is thinking. So little time, so much to redistribute. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
And don't be surprised if the president mentions this evening the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this president. He already has a compelling new campaign slogan. You are better off now than you were four weeks ago.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
You know, with or without all the dignitaries that are here, the Al Smith Dinner surely lives up to its billing. Usually when I get invited to gatherings like this, it's just to be the designated driver.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Your kind hospitality here tonight gives me a chance to convey my deep and long-held respect for the Catholic Church, have special admiration for the Apostle St. Peter, to whom it is said, upon this rock, I will build my church. The story is all the more inspiring when you consider that he had so many skeptics and scoffers at the time who were heard to say, if you've got a church, you didn't build that.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, only 19 days to go until the finish line. Campaign full of surprises. The debates are very exciting. Just the other night, we had a very fun debate. Candy Crowley was there and was happy to welcome us. But people seemed to be very curious as to how we prepare for the debates.
Let me tell you what I do. First, refrain from alcohol for 65 years before the debate.
(LAUGHTER)
Second, find the biggest available straw man and then just mercilessly attack it. Big Bird didn't even see it coming.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
And by the way, in the spirit of "Sesame Street," the president's remarks tonight are brought to you by the letter O and the number 16 trillion.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Campaigns can be grueling, exhausting, President Obama and I are each very lucky to have one person who is always in our corner, someone who we can lean on and someone who is a comforting presence without whom we wouldn't be able to go another day.
I have my beautiful wife, Ann. He has Bill Clinton.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
We got a big dose of the Biden charm last week, I'll tell you that, in his debate with Paul Ryan. I'm not sure that all that carrying on had quite the effect that Joe intended. Because afterwards I heard from the Federal Election Commission. From now on, whenever he appears on TV there is a recording of me afterwards that says, I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course rules of fairness have to be enforced. Because what are the safeguards do we have besides the press? And --
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Now I never suggest that the press is biased. I recognize they have their job to do and I have my job to do. My job is to lay out a positive vision for the future of the country. And their job is to make sure no one else finds out about it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Let's just say that some in the media have a certain way of looking at things. When suddenly I pulled ahead in some of the major polls, what was the headline? Polls show Obama leading from behind.
(LAUGHTER)
And I have already seen early reports from tonight's dinner. Headline, Obama embraced by Catholics. Romney dines with rich people.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, the president has put his own stamp on relations with the church. There have been some awkward moments, like when the president pulled Pope Benedict aside to share some advice on how to deal with his critics. He said, look, Holy Father, whatever the problem is, just blame it on Pope John Paul II.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Of course, the president has found a way to take the sting out of the Obamacare mandates for the church. From now on, they are going to be in Latin.
(LAUGHTER)
We have very fundamental and sound principles that guide both the president and me. He and I, of course, feel the pressures and tensions of a -- of a close contest. It'd be easy to let a healthy competition give way to the personal and the petty but fortunately, we don't carry the burden of disliking one another. Our president has had some very fine and gracious moments. Don't tell anyone I said so but our 44th president has many gifts and a beautiful family that would make any man proud.
You can oppose --
(APPLAUSE)
In our country, you can oppose someone in politics and make a confident case against their policies without any ill-will. And that's how it is for me. There is more to life than politics.
At the Al Smith Foundation and the Archdiocese in New York, you show this in the work you do. In causes that run deeper than allegiance to a party or to any contests of the moment. No matter which way the political winds are blowing, what work goes on, day in, day out by this organization, and you, you answer with calm and willing hearts, in service to the poor, care for the sick, in defense in the rights of conscience, and in solidarity with the innocent child waiting to be born.
You strive to bring God's love into every -- in every life.
(APPLAUSE)
I don't presume to have all your support. And on a night like this, I'm certainly not going to ask for it. But you can be certain that in the great causes of compassion that you come together to embrace, that I stand proudly with you as an ally and friend.
God bless you all. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
