Sunday, March 27, 2016

Election Jokes of the Week March 27, 2016

 photo Jester.png

This little bird doesn't know it, but ... it is really a dove asking us for world peace.
~ Bernie Sanders in Portland, Oregon, when a small bird suddenly flew onto his podium and the crowd went wild

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.
~ Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now.
~ Conan O'Brien

When he speaks, I understand him. He speaks like I speak, he communicates with people very well. I want him, as any one person can do, to go into Washington and blow it up.
~ Happy Days and Joni Loves Chachi actor Scott Baio on why he's supporting Trump

The Scott Baio endorsement of Trump makes sense. Happy Days is set in the 1950s, as are Trump's policies.
~ Frank Conniff

Jimmy Kimmel: Are you familiar with mansplaining?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, yeah, that's when a man explains something to a woman in a patronizing way?
Kimmel: Actually, it's when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending way - but you were close.
Hillary: OK!
Kimmel: Mansplaining is a way that men can help women be better....So just talk and I'll correct you whenever I feel the need.
Hillary: Thank you, it's wonderful to be here--
Kimmel: Hold on one second --
Hillary: Already?
Kimmel: You're shouting - you're too loud. You don't have to shout like that it hurts my ears. It comes off as a little shrill to men, that's all.
Hillary: Shrill. For men.
Kimmel: I mean, you're making a speech, not an arrest, so just tone it down and try it again.
Hillary: OK - I've got it. (softer) Thank you, it's wonderful to be here with all of you.
Kimmel: This is good so far!
Hillary: It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, or who you love, I'm fighting for you--
Kimmel: You have to just speak up because we can't hear you now. You're like a mouse up there. And you know what would be nice - if you smiled, with a little bit, you know, some teeth.
Hillary: OK, all right (smiles) America is the greatest country on--
Kimmel: No, don't smile like that because it looks too forced. It looks like you're faking it. Ask yourself, do I want to be president, or do I want to be a Laker's girl?
Hillary: Is that a real choice?
Kimmel: Yeah, that's a choice. I think so. It's okay though, try it again. Go from wherever, and just be careful with the face.
Hillary: We don't need to be made great, we need to be--
Kimmel: Oh my god with the sourpuss. Try to have some fun! This is like your dream! Pretend you're enjoying yourself!
Hillary: You know, Jimmy, your comments are kind of contradictory.
Kimmel: Yeah.
Hillary: It's like nothing I do is right.
Kimmel: Exactly, you're not doing it right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something -- you're not, you're not a, um--
Hillary: A man?
Kimmel: Yes! That is it - you're not a man! But that was really cute the way you did it, though.
Hillary: Well, thanks, that is what I was going for.

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