Sunday, March 20, 2016

Election Jokes of the Week March 20, 2016

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I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.
~ Donald Trump on Morning Joe discussing his foreign policy consultant - himself

(Tuesday March 15 was a) Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone's most annoying Facebook friends.
~ Jimmy Kimmel

I'd like to thank everyone for voting for me, and to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so so annoying! I mean, I love my supporters, but they're too much, right? I'm great, but I'm not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life!
~ Larry David as Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live

Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What's a superdelegate? Who calls themselves that? It's so cocky! They walk around like they're such bigshots - Oooh, I beg your pardon, Mr. Superdelegate. Let me tell you something - I've met some of these superdelegates. They're not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.
Fake Jake Tapper: But Senator, many people believe you need these superdelegates.
Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Not true, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I've got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. Yeah, that's it. The young people love me, Tapper, because I'm like them. I got alot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.
Fake Jake Tapper: You're still struggling with minorities. Why do you think you don't attract them?
Larry David/Bernie Sanders: Because I look like someone who at some point told them, 'Hey, get out of my store."

Ben Carson, Trump and Bernie Sanders Skit SNL

Donald and I are like night and day, ebony and orange-y. And sure, we've had our polite disagreements - I question his knowledge on health care, and he called me a psycho and a child-molester.
~ Fake Ben Carson on Saturday Night Live

Even if Donald Trump turns out not to be such a great president, which I don't think is the case, I think he's going to surround himself with really good people. But even if he didn't, we're only looking at four years as opposed to multiple generations, and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.
~ Unintentional joke from the real Dr. Ben Carson, ex-GOP candidate for President

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”
~ Seth Myers

DICKERSON: You once said that choosing between Trump and Cruz is like the difference between being shot or poisoned. So, how is your health?
GRAHAM: Well, you can -- maybe they will find an antidote to poisoning. It's hard once you're shot to get over it.
~ John Dickerson on CBS Face the Nation and Senator Lindsey Graham, March 20

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump.
~ Jimmy Fallon

And if Ted Cruz is right, if every single anti-Trump voter unites behind him, he could get enough delegates to be the nominee. Then the GOP establishment can say 'Goodbye, candidate we don't like! Hello, candidate we can't stand!'
~ Stephen Colbert

If Cruz can't do it, there's one other way to deny Trump the nomination: a 'brokered convention.' You see when a candidate wins a primary, he really wins delegates who are committed to him at the party convention. But only for the first ballot. So if Trump doesn't get 1,237 delegates in the first round of voting they're all free to vote for whoever. This is great news: the Republican campaign could start all over again, but this time it's crammed into one week. You can binge-watch the death of the GOP.
~ Stephen Colbert

Reopublicans don't like calling it a 'brokered convention.' They have a much nicer name - ('open convention'). I'm sorry, not 'brokered,' 'open,' Just like, 'Honey, we don't have a broken marriage, we have an open marriage. And I know we never discussed it, but it will spice things up to bring in an outsider. And I think we'll end up trusting each other even more. Stronger.'
~ Stephen Colbert

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