Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Trump Tweets #Covfefe At Midnight

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On the same day it was reported that Trump's lawyers want to screen all his tweets, he made one of his funniest tweet gaffes ever!

Just after midnight, he let loose a strange sentence fragment complaining about press coverage, only the last word was the mysterious "Covfefe." The word trended all night and yet no one from the White House could delete it because Trump apparently fell asleep with his phone (maybe while sitting on the toilet?).

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Twitter immediately exploded with hilarious memes. Note that the word "Rosebud" was also trending at the same time - that is the last word in the film Citizen Kane spoken by the main character, an extremely wealthy but unhappy man who was remembering a sled he left in the snow on his last happy day of childhood. The cryptic parallel was obvious and made by twitter fans over and over.

UPDATE: Donald Trump chose not to explain the next day what he meant by "Covfefe," merely tweeting:



It was the unfortunate Spokesman Sean Spicer who came out for his daily press briefing to suffer questions about the Trump tweet, giving it a note of high seriousness that "Covfefe" did not deserve.

"The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant." ~ Sean Spicer







Hillary Clinton quipped:



And later Hillary tweeted this retort:



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Citizen Trump and the new Rosebud













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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Election Jokes of the Week March 27, 2016

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This little bird doesn't know it, but ... it is really a dove asking us for world peace.
~ Bernie Sanders in Portland, Oregon, when a small bird suddenly flew onto his podium and the crowd went wild





























There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.
~ Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now.
~ Conan O'Brien

When he speaks, I understand him. He speaks like I speak, he communicates with people very well. I want him, as any one person can do, to go into Washington and blow it up.
~ Happy Days and Joni Loves Chachi actor Scott Baio on why he's supporting Trump

The Scott Baio endorsement of Trump makes sense. Happy Days is set in the 1950s, as are Trump's policies.
~ Frank Conniff



Jimmy Kimmel: Are you familiar with mansplaining?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, yeah, that's when a man explains something to a woman in a patronizing way?
Kimmel: Actually, it's when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending way - but you were close.
Hillary: OK!
Kimmel: Mansplaining is a way that men can help women be better....So just talk and I'll correct you whenever I feel the need.
Hillary: Thank you, it's wonderful to be here--
Kimmel: Hold on one second --
Hillary: Already?
Kimmel: You're shouting - you're too loud. You don't have to shout like that it hurts my ears. It comes off as a little shrill to men, that's all.
Hillary: Shrill. For men.
Kimmel: I mean, you're making a speech, not an arrest, so just tone it down and try it again.
Hillary: OK - I've got it. (softer) Thank you, it's wonderful to be here with all of you.
Kimmel: This is good so far!
Hillary: It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, or who you love, I'm fighting for you--
Kimmel: You have to just speak up because we can't hear you now. You're like a mouse up there. And you know what would be nice - if you smiled, with a little bit, you know, some teeth.
Hillary: OK, all right (smiles) America is the greatest country on--
Kimmel: No, don't smile like that because it looks too forced. It looks like you're faking it. Ask yourself, do I want to be president, or do I want to be a Laker's girl?
Hillary: Is that a real choice?
Kimmel: Yeah, that's a choice. I think so. It's okay though, try it again. Go from wherever, and just be careful with the face.
Hillary: We don't need to be made great, we need to be--
Kimmel: Oh my god with the sourpuss. Try to have some fun! This is like your dream! Pretend you're enjoying yourself!
Hillary: You know, Jimmy, your comments are kind of contradictory.
Kimmel: Yeah.
Hillary: It's like nothing I do is right.
Kimmel: Exactly, you're not doing it right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something -- you're not, you're not a, um--
Hillary: A man?
Kimmel: Yes! That is it - you're not a man! But that was really cute the way you did it, though.
Hillary: Well, thanks, that is what I was going for.






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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Jim Carrey Rankles Right with "Cold Dead Hand" Spoof

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UPDATE: March 30, 2013

Jim Carrey has written a reply to all the criticism coming from Fox News and the rest of the Wingnut-o-Sphere:

Via EW Popwatch
“Since I released my “Cold Dead Hand” video on Funny or Die this week, I have watched Fux News rant, rave, bare its fangs and viciously slander me because of my stand against large magazines and assault rifles. I would take them to task legally if I felt they were worth my time or that anyone with a brain in their head could actually fall for such irresponsible buffoonery. That would gain them far too much attention which is all they really care about.

I’ll just say this: in my opinion Fux News is a last resort for kinda-sorta-almost-journalists whose options have been severely limited by their extreme and intolerant views; a media colostomy bag that has begun to burst at the seams and should be emptied before it becomes a public health issue.

I sincerely believe that in time, good people will lose patience with the petty and poisonous behavior of these bullies and Fux News will be remembered as nothing more than a giant culture fart that no amount of Garlique could cure.

I wish them all the luck that accompanies such malevolence.”


I find the gun problem frustrating and ‘Cold Dead Hand’ is my fun little way of expressing that frustration.
~ Jim Carrey via Huffington Post

In this Funny or Die spoof, Jim Carrey gives a finger to the late gun enthusiast, impersonating him along with the lead singer of a fictional band performing their chart-topping hit, "Cold Dead Hands." The jingle pokes fun at Heston's favorite slogan: "I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."
~ Daily Beast


"Cold Dead Hand"

By Lonesome Earl and the Clutterbusters

Ahhhh, Ahhhh, Ahhhh, Ahhhh

Some folks ride like the wind
With the whispering pines to guide them,
And the burning light inside them
Keeps them warm in the snow.

Others fear the sounds they hear
Make bandidos out of molehills
Fill their hearts with por-cu-pine quills
They're dead and buried
Long before they go.

Charlton Heston Movies are no longer in demand.
And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn't take him up to heaven like he planned,
'Cause they couldn't pry that gun from his
Cold Dead Hand.

Charlton Heston: "What did he say?"

It takes a cold dead hand
To decide to pull the trigger
Takes a cold dead heart
And as near as I can figure
You're tryin' to prove your d*ck is bigger
But we know
Your chariot may not be swingin' low.

Ahhhoooo (Wolf Howl)

Cold Dead Hand! Cold Dead Ha-nd!
Cold Dead Hand! Cold Dead Ha-nd!

You're a big big man with a little-bitty gland
So you need something bigger just to fill
Your Cold Dead Hand!

Charlton Heston: They're making fun of everything I hold dear.

Imagine if the Lord were here
And he knew what you've been thinkin'
Would his sacred heart be sinkin'
Into the Canyon of Dismay?
And on the ones who sell the guns
He'd sic the vultures and coyotes
Only the Devil's true devotees
Could profiteer from pain and fear.

Charlton Heston Movies are no longer in demand.
And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn't take him up to heaven like he planned,
'Cause they couldn't pry that gun from his
Cold Dead Hand.

It takes a cold dead hand
To decide to pull the trigger
Takes a cold dead heart
And as near as I can figure
You're tryin' to prove your d*ck is bigger
But we know
Your chariot may not be swingin' low.

Cold Dead Hand! Cold Dead Ha-nd!
Cold Dead Hand! Cold Dead Ha-nd!

You're a big big man with a little-bitty gland
So you need something bigger
with a hairpin trigger.
You don't want to get caught
With your trousers down
When a psycho killer comes around.
So you make your home like a Thunderdome,
And you're always packin' everywhere you roam.
But the psychos win no matter what you do
'Cause they're gonna buy way more
Guns than you.

And while you're stumblin' out of bed
They put five rounds in the back of your head.
And you get depressed 'cause your weenie went south
So you put your shotgun in your mouth
And the kids walk in and they find you there
Like a headless lump in your underwear.
And they move the gun and it kills them too,
And your wife just doesn't know what to do.
So she takes a hand-grenade from her shoe
and then she pulls the pin --
And it's all on you-hoo . . .

And your Cold Dead Hand!

(sound of a gunshot)

Well what in the heck was that?

Charlton Heston: I accidentally shot my foot off.

Aw, shoot!

Hahahahahahaha!




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That’s the only question with gun control: should the government and rich elites like Bloomberg, Feinstein and Jim Carrey have a monopoly on force?
~ Ann Coulter on Fox News

He is probably the most pathetic tool on the face of the earth and I hope his career is dead and I hope he ends up sleeping in his car like his life began. This video only made me want to go out and buy a gun. He thinks this is biting satire, going after rural America and a dead man.
What did this jackass Jim Carrey do? He was behind the anti-vaccine panic. He’s a dirty, stinking coward, he’s a moral coward.
He’s such a pathetic, sad, little freak. He’s a gibbering mess, he’s a modern bigot.
. . . He’s a bottomless pit of insecurity. And the desire for acceptance is why he’s doing this because in his heart he knows he’s a fraud.
~ Greg Gutfeld of Fox's "The Five" via The Blaze

















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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Justice Scalia's Inauguration Hat

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pic source: the art newspaper

The hat is a custom-made replica of the hat depicted in Holbein’s famous portrait of St. Thomas More. It was a gift from the St. Thomas More Society of Richmond, Virginia. We presented it to him in November 2010 as a memento of his participation in our 27th annual Red Mass and dinner.
~ Kevin C. Walsh, Associate Professor of Law at the University of Richmond

Was Scalia, a Catholic who often speaks about his how faith frames his worldview, subtly stating his defiance of political authority, making an argument about religious freedom today, or was his head just really cold?
~ Elizabeth Tenety on Washington Post



That's the same hat Spanky wore from the, "Our Gang" series.
~ Peter H. on Atlanticwire

NO ONE EXPECTS the Scalia Inquisition!
(But considering his record, they probably should.)
~ Scylfing on Atlanticwire

Auditioning for a 3 Stooges remake?
~ Lars_the_Pianist on Atlanticwire

As for Anthony Scalia not removing his hat I think it's Disrespectful/Rude . The hat if you can call it a hat, looks like a Matador's hat that got crushed by a Bull or somebody pulled the ears off a Mickey Mouse Cap.
~ Liz from Hyden on NBC Today Show News

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Monday, August 13, 2012

Paul Ryan Jokes

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